The Black Sheep It Seems

So Christmas isn’t really my favorite holiday. it is a good holiday to sleep and relax. and eat food. just like a lot of the other family holidays/gettogethers.

but this year was very frustrating. sometimes i’d rather receive no gifts than the ones i got. i did enjoy the socks and electric toothbrush i got. and all the gifts i got from friends. the books were all AMAZING! but i really don’t think my family knows me or tries to get to know me that well. i got a flashlight. i got pretty much the same flashlight that i got last year. which is still in the package because i have no need for a flashlight. i also got a USED cd case. not something i asked for, nor did i need. i am wondering what my family is actually thinking when they are getting gifts for me. and it’s not like i’m a little kid where anything makes me happy. i am 28. an adult, who likes to do adult things. i am thankful for the gift card to Hot Topic. but that also seems like they took no time to find out what i really wanted. it’s so frustrating feeling like they don’t really care all that much about me because i have piercings and tattoos. and i don’t have a lot in common with the rest of the family as far as they are concerned. they don’t take the time to find out either.

my friends got me gifts that are 100x as good. and that’s kind of sad. again, i’d rather not receive any gifts than the ones i got. i just wish i didn’t get treated like the black sheep.

Why I Celebrate Christmas – Through A Song

“I Celebrate The Day” by Relient K

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You’ve touched my life
Because here is where You’re finding me, in the exact same place as New Year’s eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We’re less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I’ll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Jesus is the reason for this day. Happy Birthday Jesus and Thank You!

The Monster Rears It’s Ugly Head

I am depressed.

most people don’t understand what true depression is. it’s not something that goes away in one day. this is what i have gone through:

for the last month i have had feeling of things not going well. everything i have done to improve my life has not worked out. it’s an overwhelming feeling of failure. the feeling that no matter what you do, that it’s just not going to happen. i wake up feeling alone and worthless. everything adds up. i live in a secluded area where not a lot of people travel to visit. i have been searching for a job in Batavia for 2 months. i used to live there and that’s where most of my friends live and that’s where my church is. i have to depend on other people and i hate that. it makes me feel like i’m handicapped. every time there is a glimmer of things getting better, they get crushed. it’s like “how much can i take?”. it happens over and over.

people think that just because good things happen every once in a while and that you are smiling that you still can’t be depressed. it doesn’t work like that. yea i have good friends, yea i have an amazing family. but that’s not what i’m feeling. i am feeling a loss of hope. where every moment of the day i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep and sometimes even die. it’s not something that i like. but it’s something i can’t escape. i know i have many people that care for me and that want me to get better. but just saying “i hope it gets better.” doesn’t help. it just sucks, because i don’t feel like i can do anything to make it better.

so pray for me.

Dedication Of Awesomeness #5: Mallory Jean Lynch

 

Hmmmm what to say.

I have not known Mallory all that long. i actually met her a year and a half ago at Jordan Brill’s Graduation party.  she didn’t have any clue who i was and all i knew of her was that she knew CZ. she was one of those Hoax groupies. i dont even think we talked at the party. but that was the first time i saw her. and it was like “who’s the cute girl with the nice eyes?” not much has changed about her since then. she’s still ultra cute and her eyes are still just as pretty. of course now i get to see them a lot closer.

The main reason for Mallory being awesome is that she talks/IM’s me almost every single day. i like having conversations, even if it’s over instant messenger. and i also see her about 3 times a week. she goes to ThuRsdays, and has now started attending Northgate for both weekend days(this sorta sounds like Smitty a little bit). she starting going to Thursdays because her friend Amber finally decided she wanted to go. Mal hates doing things by herself. well now that she’s met me there will be no worries in that department. “i know EVERYONE!”

she has a brain. which considering her age is rather rare. she doesn’t fly off the handle when something bothers her. she doesn’t want things to end up bad. she asks questions. these are all good things that get problems resolved. although sometimes she doesn’t understand things she tries to. it’s nice to know that a girl isn’t as crazy as the rest of them at such a pivotal age.

Mallory makes me smile. she gives me the dorkiest compliments and says random odd comments to make me smile and laugh. and she also acts like she’s mad at me to get me to be really nice to her and then she giggles b/c she can’t do it. i love her face. it’s just so adorable! few people can make my face hurt from smiling just by smiling at me. she has that ability. sometimes it’s like she’s a cute 2 year old that you can’t help but smile at and sometimes she’s that girl that gives you butterflies so you can’t get the grin off your face.

She is going to school to be a nurse. she will graduate this coming spring with her 2 year degree. i am very proud of her because not only is it a huge workload but it’s also a unselfish profession. she studies(sometimes less than she should but i put the blame on me sometimes for that) and has done really well on her tests. maybe one day when i’m in the hospital for doing something retarded she will be there to laugh at me and take care of me. that would be super sweet.

This girl has helped me through some rough times as of late. but not in the ways Smitty or my family has. in little subtle ways. she has gave me encouragement, told me to stay positive and told me to stop being negative because i really had no good reason to. she is good at that. and she goes from an extreme of being serious and helpful to dorky and weird. it’s a welcome change. and it makes me feel better!!!

We take awesome pictures together(if you haven’t seen our facebook or myspace pictures, you should). seriously, we are just plain amazing. and total dorks. which is pretty much the best thing ever.

I like Mallory a lot. She means a lot to me. for right now, she’s got my heart. and no one else will take of it like she can.

<3 <3 <3 

Double Dedication Day#2(Technically DOA#4): Justin Smith

He goes by many names:  Smittums, Smittles, Smittlefield, Schmittay, Boris(or maybe it the other one), Smith and most popular, Smitty. but most importantly to me: he is My Brotha From Anotha Motha.

i met Smitty through a former(?) friend of mine Julie. they both worked at the college radio station and then began to date. she went to ThuRsdays and decided to bring him along. he didn’t come all the time at first but then his buddy Ryan started coming too so it gave him a better reason. well, his life has changed significantly since then. he is now a regular attender at both Thursdays and Northgate FMC and involved in the Tech Crew of both.

As seen in previous blogs(Happy & Thank You) this guy makes me laugh. he makes me laugh like no other! we have had many adventures together that have ended up in one of us on our knees or backs laughing hysterically until we tear up or lose our breath. we have inside jokes that some people will never understand nor do some of them want to. we laugh at each others pain(not in a really bad way). for example tonight while playing Apples To Apples i put down a card with Helen Keller on it. considering the category, it was just too wrong of an answer; but me and Smitty, on opposite sides of the table(with 11 people), looked at each other and proceeded to crack up and almost fall out of our chairs.

one thing that makes our relationship interesting is the fact that we are both weirdos. me being more so than he is. this cause me to hurt Smitty’s brain. he says it all the time. “You make my brain hurt! GAH!!!” but i think he puts up with me because for all my retarded behavior i make him laugh twice as much as i confound him.  i don’t think it’s ever come to a point where i have pissed him off. at least not on purpose. that’s why he’s so cool. he’s a really understanding guy. more than most people give him credit for. he puts up with a lot of crap sometimes.

I owe Smitty a lot. there’s been lots of times where there is a group of us hanging out and i forget that i don’t have a car, and he offers to take me home and it’s out of his way; and/or the weather might be crappy or it is really late at night and he has to work in the morning. he’s even paid for me to come to HIS birthday party and adventures! i seriously can’t think of more than 2 people ever in my entire life that would do that. that seriously blows me away. he has also bought me food plenty of times. now that’s a good friend. we all know i like to eat. and he doesn’t like me starving, because i’m a skinny boy and he’s…not. haha. and i think he feels bad for me. but anyhoo. yea, he’s really come through for me these past 2 years.

i have also gone on a few family get-togethers with him. visiting his cousins and grandparents and all the craziness that ensues because of it. i’ve actually met a few new friends because of said adventures. and had many an interesting moment as well. oh if you only knew(you really DON’T want to).

Seriously, Smitty is my brother. he’s very important to me and how my life has turned out. he has been there through some of the tough times in the past year, especially in the last 2-3 months. i don’t know if i could handle it all without him. i know the guy cares a lot about me and i never thought that would happen, because most guys are jerks and do things only to benefit themselves. HE IS A GOOD FRIEND. probably my best friend.

I love Smitty. He is my family. And he is cool as beans and makes my life joyous. He is my Best Man.(and no…i’m not getting married yet).

DJ SMITTY IS IN THE HOUSE YA’LL!!!!

Double Dedication Day#1(Technically DOA #3): My Cousin Jonathan J. Shetler

My cousin Jay is a guy for all guys and he is awesome! he is one of the nicest guys you will ever meet, he’s good at sports and a smart guy.

i have grown up seeing Jay almost every holiday and many more times throughout the year. i remember every family gathering we had a football game. i always picked him for my team. why? not because he was amazingly fast or ran people over(because he certainly was too small for either). it’s because he had heart and had so much fun. he always laughed when tackled and never gave up when tackling someone else. for example when he gripped onto your leg, he did not let go. even if you pulled him along and still scored. he took on my brother, my HUGE cousin George, and me. and always had fun doing it.

he is one of my favorite cousins(him and his sister Heather). he’s always had a good attitude about things. he is kind of quiet. which is a good thing. someone in the family has to be. haha. he is very good at sports. anything you throw at him he can handle pretty dang well. another example is his first time ice skating a few months back. he just straps those blades on and goes on to skate pretty well, falling maybe 2 times, and score a few goals(while playing with a left handed stick!!!). he is pretty dang good at volleyball. he played on his high school team and plays on the club team for college. it’s nice that you have someone that loves playing the sport as much as you do and is really good, so we work well together.

J.J.(as many in the family know him as) is also a smart college student on the verge of graduating with a degree in Electrical Engineering. he goes to Clarkson which is this college in Potsdam way up in northern NY. now as soon as he graduates he will make a minimum of 50k a year. how can a kid be so lucky as to be great at sports and be smart? GOSH! AND he has some of the coolest parents ever! as mentioned here: DOA#2

Jay loves Jesus! yes, yes he does. you can tell in the way he treats other people, the way he treats his parents and sister, and the way he treats me. no one is perfect but he knows that without Jesus, life just isn’t cracked up to be as good as it is. i want to be like him a lot of times. he inspires me to better myself at a lot of things. in sports, in becoming somebody, and most of all being real. he is an honest dude and i really admire that.

there are so many more things i can say about him, but he’s just too awesome for words.

Jay I Love You! you are seriously the coolest guy a cousin can ask for. keep on being you and never give up on anything.

Dedication Of Awesomeness #2: My Aunt Jan & Uncle Brett

My aunt and uncle Shetler are pretty much my most awesome family members not counting my dad and cousins Jay and Heather(who happen to be their children).

The main reason i am writing this blog about them is that they raise their children better than pretty much anyone i have ever seen. they also treat everyone with a lot of respect, especially me. they treat me like a family member and not just some guy in his 20’s like some others that i’ve dealt with.

i have gone through some hard times, especially in the last 3 months. and they have been there for me. they have inspired me to keep trying and that God has a plan for me and to just be patient. i, in turn, keep their house warm by putting wood in the stove and keeping the dog(Midnight) company, which i happen to be quite good at!

Also they are some of the most entertaining people and have awesome senses of humor. they make me laugh constantly. they know their stuff , and what it takes to raise good kids, as well as good nephews.

i am so thankful that they love Jesus and God as much as they do and that it is an important part of being good parents. and they always keep me in check. they are just awesome!

i love them a lot and always will and hope to be as good a parent as they are and hope to repay them many times over for how they have been there for me.

YAY!!!!

Dedication Of Awesomeness #1: Jessica Hishman

Jessica is a very cool girl. She is, at the mere age of 19, a very talented individual and a very good friend. Jessica and I met when her friend Danielle, who i used to hang out with, brought her to ThuRsdays. We went to a few parties together and hung out quite a bit, and we still do pretty much because she is awesome and that’s the kind of people i hang out with. She is a talented snuggler and can make just about anyone laugh. She has helped me through many a tough situation, including putting minutes on my cell phone so she can call me. Also, she has bought me food and that is pretty much the most awesome thing anyone can do for me.

Jessica is my tattoo designer. she is making one that i am getting in dedication of my mom and also working on the daunting task of coming up with a fruit scheme for my lower half of my left arm sleeve. She will probably be designing more of mine and has also done art and ideas for other people’s tattoos. She is a VERY good artist even though some of her professors don’t like her bright colors and such. She draws stuff while in church too. and it’s GOOD! God has blessed her with that. She wants to be a professional tattoo artist. Which is stupendous because we are going to start a tattoo&piercing shop here in Western NY.

i get along with Jess very well. Even though she pinches me with her deadly nails(and by the way, don’t ever play any card game or any other game that requires hand movement and slapping: you will get gouged and bleed). She is quite funny and we have a few inside jokes. The main one being the “your mom/your face”  sayings.

Jessica is gorgeous. Whatever guy gets her will be lucky. She has so many good qualities, one of them not being racquetball skills. haha. Although she does try. She also likes good music, which is nice for me because i love music and it’s nice to sing songs together that we both know and like.

Finally, Jessica gives good hugs. And she asks for my advice. It’s nice to know someone trusts your judgment and appreciates your input.

YAY JESSICA!!!!!

Relationships: Do You Have A Clue?

so a few people i know are in relationships. or they have been in relationships in the recent past.

are people retarded? seriously. you are all adults and should know how to make rationale decisions, and then you make ones that don’t make any sense!

don’t get into a adult relationship if you don’t know how one works. you have to be in contact with each other, express feelings, be physical(unless predetermined that you both don’t want that), and make sacrifices.

you can’t get upset because things don’t go exactly the way you want them. you can’t expect them to read your mind.

i’m so upset i can’t write anymore. maybe more later.