I am depressed.
most people don’t understand what true depression is. it’s not something that goes away in one day. this is what i have gone through:
for the last month i have had feeling of things not going well. everything i have done to improve my life has not worked out. it’s an overwhelming feeling of failure. the feeling that no matter what you do, that it’s just not going to happen. i wake up feeling alone and worthless. everything adds up. i live in a secluded area where not a lot of people travel to visit. i have been searching for a job in Batavia for 2 months. i used to live there and that’s where most of my friends live and that’s where my church is. i have to depend on other people and i hate that. it makes me feel like i’m handicapped. every time there is a glimmer of things getting better, they get crushed. it’s like “how much can i take?”. it happens over and over.
people think that just because good things happen every once in a while and that you are smiling that you still can’t be depressed. it doesn’t work like that. yea i have good friends, yea i have an amazing family. but that’s not what i’m feeling. i am feeling a loss of hope. where every moment of the day i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep and sometimes even die. it’s not something that i like. but it’s something i can’t escape. i know i have many people that care for me and that want me to get better. but just saying “i hope it gets better.” doesn’t help. it just sucks, because i don’t feel like i can do anything to make it better.
so pray for me.
