We Ask These All The Time

Why do good things happen to bad people?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why is it harder to believe in God than not to?

Why does the nice guy never get the girl?

Why does the nice girl never get the guy?

I’m A Slacker I Know…

So it’s been over 2 months since i last posted. Most of that blame lies on the lack of internet at my aunt’s house. The other is my pure laziness in actually writing anything.

A few good things have happened and a few bad things have happened.

But as of this moment i do not want to be here.

I know it’s hard to say that and then try and explain why, but i just don’t feel right around here. small things seem to be good and then big things happen that suck really bad.

Lately, I’ve learned that i can’t really trust people. maybe a few. but it seems that people like to cause hurt and drama, just because it makes them feel better about themselves…or so it seems. there is a loss of friendship and trust when people feel the need to gossip. especially when it hurts people feelings that were never intended to be hurt. but people gotta keep on talking don’t they. there’s a verse in the Bible that says not to let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth unless it’s edifying(which means to make better or positive) others. gossip definitely does NOT do that.

I don’t believe some people actually will ever mean what they say. in maybe a feel good moment or something that diffuses a situation they will say the “right thing” but then continue to be the complete opposite way. you maybe try to give them advice and they don’t want to hear it because non one should tell other people how to live right? even if it’s good for them!? i know no one is perfect, but can people not take advice without criticizing the giver? and do some of those people even want to change unless it’s convenient for them?

My group of friends is a church group. or so it seems. We don’t act like it. We act more like a social club that meets in a church. i’m just as guilty as the rest of them. We don’t act like followers of Jesus but we want all the benefits that come with it. We wonder why our families and friends don’t like church or aren’t serious about their faith. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE!!!

I put my heart into something that never was gonna be what i expected. it was a dangerous jump but sometimes you think people are better than the rest of the world. and now i am hurting a lot from it. something that will take me a long time to get over and a lot of forgetting that isn’t easy to do.

I want love. God’s love. love that doesn’t mind growing and changing. a love that knows it’s in for a difficult journey but is excited just the same.

Things will never be the same. I just want some positive thinking. i want people to WANT to be better, to grow, to improve. why just be like you’ve always been? i’m not down for laziness anymore. not in writing blogs, not in growing up, not in being a good friend, especially not in following Jesus and God’s call.

Things will never change if i never change.

So keep me in prayer. This will be a difficult journey and it might lead me other places, it might not.

Let’s be real. Let’s be different than the world. Let’s change it. Let’s be Jesus.

How Do You Know?

if something is right. when nothing has ever gone right before.

and all your dreams seem to go perfect. but they’re just dreams.

what success means, if it’s only for yourself.

what to do when everything you need to go right, goes wrong.

what to do when you are so different than everyone,  but you still slide your round self into the square hole.

how do you know?

Life Has Been Hard

If you think that it hasn’t then you obviously don’t know me.

Things aren’t as easy as you seem to think. jobs don’t come as easy as you think.

I for the first time in my life have applied for public assistance. I hate it. I feel like all the people who sponge off of the government but never do half the things I do to progress myself. I don’t know if I’m even accepted. but when you only have $6 to your name and no one is calling back looking to hire me, I don’t have much of a choice.

I want to stay in Batavia. I love my church. I love my friends. but everything has been working against that. maybe I’ll be homeless, that should be fun. anyone have a tent they can let me borrow? I’ll live in one of the many parks here and try not to get arrested.

I want to move to VA, but I can’t do that with no money. maybe when I sell my car I will move soon after. there isn’t much keeping me here, despite all the good things i do mention. i feel like I just end up getting sucked down in this hole called Western NY. and it’s painful. I don’t think I’ve ever been more depressed as I have lately. the lack of food, the lack of hope, the lack of plans working out, lack of respect(which is the worse out all of them).

But Jesus is good to me. He provides me with generous friends, with patient roommates, with freedom, with nice weather.

Why is the question. what am I supposed to learn? why is all this crap happening to me? where do I go from here?

all i know are these verses:

Psalm 14:6
You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor, but the LORD is their refuge.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans i have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ephesians 1:11
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.

A Short Thank You List

i would like to thank some people who have been quite influential in my life as of late. they are amazing people and i have not only learned from them, but have learned that not all of humanity if selfish and dumb.

Jessica Hishman – this girl has been a great friend to me, relying on me to help her through her struggles and encouraging me in mine. she has a kind heart and a great laugh, and with that a great sense of humor. she has showed me that we all need each other, even in the little ways. she is also an awesome hugger. and gives selflessly. God will honor her in her sacrifices. she is a dork(it’s a good thing).

Melissa Olear – this girl is super sweet. she gives me words of hope and motivation. she is someone who has a outside view of where i am and still knows that i am a helpful, useful person. she gives me good hugs and a smile that makes the day just a bit better. she writes blogs(found on here) that inspire, surprise and make me smile. she has a heart of gold, and a good head on her shoulders. and boy does she love Jesus!

Rand Fisher – this guy is a GREAT friend. we spend a lot of time together and ALWAYS enjoy each others company, even though we are different in a lot of ways. we respect each other, which goes a long way in these recent times. he is always willing to give advice, give a funny joke, or a helping hand when it isn’t even asked. God will bless him for that. We listen to a lot of music together(although i like to more than he does. he actually likes conversation[weird i know]) and always have a view on it that compliments each other(usually). he’s got a sweet ride and is a good exercise buddy. he also is a good encourager and loves to help others. he is awesome!

Mallory Lynch – this girl is nothing short of amazing. she has been through hard times but still refuses to let it make her bitter. she is a total sweetheart and someone who takes to heart a compliment or a kind word. she has a killer awesome smile. she makes me feel like a million dollars. she is cheesy and corny, but just at the right times. she is VERY easy to talk to. which is nice. she does things not because she will gain anything from it, but because that’s the good/right thing to do. she fully admits to not being perfect. and makes steps to make herself better, not only physically, but mentally/spiritually as well. even though i haven’t known her as well(even though a bit longer in reality) as the others, she has really stepped up to the plate in making my life better. she is SPECIAL(ed? lol)

Jaime Keller – oh man, this guy is a tough cookie. he has recently become a Christian. and he is going through all sorts of struggles. the devil is attacking him all the freaking time. but you know what…he keeps on. even though its hard. really hard. and he asks advice from friends, he SEEKS encouragement. he wants to use his gifts for God. that is massive. he INSPIRES me to keep on keeping on. to NEVER depend on yourself. ALWAYS on God. i have learned the most from him than out of any of the others, and i’m sure he doesn’t even know it. he gives me advice that i know is tested and true. he is a SMART man. he loves people, i can see it in his face. he is a cool dude. he loves 90’s music, which is good, because so do i.

Smitty(aka Justin Smith) – this guy makes me laugh. laughter is good. seriously he is freaking GREAT. i love the dude. he is funny, and just a super cool human being. he is like the brother i always wanted. he is THE MAN!

and last but not least,

God – He makes all these people possible. He makes the sun shine, the weather warm in late October, the rain fall when i am sleeping. He loves me, He LOVES me!!!! He forgives me. He gives me a hope, a heart and a passion for loving others. He NEVER EVER gives up on me. I LOVE HIM. yea he’s pretty SWEET! or GNARLY(haha).

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

you people mean a lot to me.

Maybe I Just Go About It Wrong

So i have been looking for a job for the last 2 months. i have been occasionally working for friends during the mean time to have cash for food and random entertainment during this time of searching. i also have friends that buy me food, lend me money for a movie they want to see with me and other small gifts. i never ask for these things. at least i try not to. i would rather be bored and hungry than impose on my friends for things. and it’s not like i don’t appreciate these things. i REALLY do. it makes me feel loved. and that’s the greatest feeling in the world…

back to the whole getting a job thing. i have put in applications, both online and in person, at at least 20 places in the Batavia area. i have had 2 interviews at one place and one at another. neither of them have called me back regarding employment even tho the interviews seems to have gone great. i even have taken my lip rings out when i APPLY and turn in applications. and i definitely do it for the interviews. i don’t understand why no one wants to hire me. i have a lot of experience in a lot of different variety of jobs. maybe too many for some? i have a great work attitude and get along with most anybody.

maybe i am going about this wrong. maybe i should not be an individual anymore, change who i am and be cookie cutter, maybe that will get me a job.

maybe i get too comfy in people helping me and not being blunt enough with me. maybe i could get some advice, i always give it but never get it.

maybe i’ll just move away and go to FL where my friend wants me and already has a job lined up. but i really don’t want to leave just yet. i have all these relationships that have just started.

maybe i don’t really understand what God wants for me. maybe He wants me to stay, maybe He wants me to give all these things up i have here.

maybe i am just plain wrong. maybe i don’t have any clue of what i am doing, or what i am saying, or even what real life is all about.

i know 3 things: God loves me, i have the greatest friends known to man, and people will never understand me.

who wants to give me a job, who wants to give me good advice, who wants me to disappear?

Girlfriends And Boyfriends And Me

everyone seems to be getting them.

EVERYONE. but my life is too confusing and turbulent to have one.

but it still sucks. girls i used to like getting new ones. my guy friends starting new ones.

me, still single. still moving down south and having the potential of being single for another 3 years.

i seem to be venting a lot. it happens when very little good goes on and everyone around you have very littel bad happen to them. but i am happy for my friends.

also many of my friends, especially the newer ones, have been going through some tough times. it kills me to see them in pain. to see tears in their eyes, to feel unloved in family life, to be disrespected.

i wish i had super powers(besides my amazing hugs) to help them out. all i can do is pray and be there to give advice.

which by the way, i like to do. so if you need any, i’m here(seems to be not much else to do).

p.s. just so you know, i HATE when girls flirt online with me and then in real life, don’t really acknowledge me. do both, or neither.

p.p.s. i REALLY like HUGS.

Just A Few Prayer Requests

+for my friend Emily. she’s got court dates and she’s stressed and it has to do with her family. and that causes a lot of hurt.

+for me getting a job before i leave so i can get  my car running,  some money saved,  and all my bills paid off.

+for Virginia and me. i will be moving there hopefully by October. God has big plans. i just want them to go smoothly this time.

+for my friend Rachel. that she realizes God is there no matter what and that she would always depend on him.

+for my friend Kevin, he just bought a new house and has a semi new baby, and is starting a new church. he is stressed.

Thank You.

Disaster Sets Itself Up With Impatience

i hate feeling the way i do right now. even though it’s really not something i know anything about.

i met someone. in the context of you are not allowed to like this person during the entire 2 weeks you spend with them.

you know when someone drops 10 bags of concrete on your shoulders and you fall under the weight and you just lay there saying “holy crap i can’t get up or do anything!”. yea thats what i feel like, and that’s what i have felt for the last 12 days.

i cannot explain it, i cannot get rid of it. i have prayed about it, i have wrestled with God over it and it has not gone away. now i’m wondering if God is trying to teach me a lesson or it it actually means what i think it does.

how do you go about thinking someone is amazing, but not knowing how to emote that, and make things happen.

i have been out of the dating scene for almost 4 years now. i am not sure how to go about telling someone that you hardly know them but they are wonderful. WONDERful is actually a good word. i wonder what the heck i’m doing. if this is even worth my time, my heart or my efforts. but i REALLY BELIEVE it is. i get this scary feeling she might be the one.

but alas there are MANY complications to it all. an ex/quasi-dating thing, distance, people getting pissed at me for liking her to begin with. and the last thing i want to do is step on toes. i HATE stepping on toes. (just think of what that feels like, if even accidentally.)

but she is AMAZING. like WHOAH!

maybe i just hope too much. but when a woman has all these qualities that i have looked for since i realized what i wanted in my early 20’s, how can you not??!?!!?

is there a chance? if there is, i will take it and run with it.

so i will wait on God. and let things unfold i guess. waiting isn’t a bad thing. especially when it’s an answer from God.

God Is Freaking Awesome!!!!

simple post:

4 hrs.

(50+) 9-17 year olds worshiping God.

redemption, forgiveness, personal communion.

this is the best thing ever. EVER!!!! 

who knew kids would inspire ME!?!?!