Life Has Been Hard

If you think that it hasn’t then you obviously don’t know me.

Things aren’t as easy as you seem to think. jobs don’t come as easy as you think.

I for the first time in my life have applied for public assistance. I hate it. I feel like all the people who sponge off of the government but never do half the things I do to progress myself. I don’t know if I’m even accepted. but when you only have $6 to your name and no one is calling back looking to hire me, I don’t have much of a choice.

I want to stay in Batavia. I love my church. I love my friends. but everything has been working against that. maybe I’ll be homeless, that should be fun. anyone have a tent they can let me borrow? I’ll live in one of the many parks here and try not to get arrested.

I want to move to VA, but I can’t do that with no money. maybe when I sell my car I will move soon after. there isn’t much keeping me here, despite all the good things i do mention. i feel like I just end up getting sucked down in this hole called Western NY. and it’s painful. I don’t think I’ve ever been more depressed as I have lately. the lack of food, the lack of hope, the lack of plans working out, lack of respect(which is the worse out all of them).

But Jesus is good to me. He provides me with generous friends, with patient roommates, with freedom, with nice weather.

Why is the question. what am I supposed to learn? why is all this crap happening to me? where do I go from here?

all i know are these verses:

Psalm 14:6
You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor, but the LORD is their refuge.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans i have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Ephesians 1:11
In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will.

Maybe I Just Go About It Wrong

So i have been looking for a job for the last 2 months. i have been occasionally working for friends during the mean time to have cash for food and random entertainment during this time of searching. i also have friends that buy me food, lend me money for a movie they want to see with me and other small gifts. i never ask for these things. at least i try not to. i would rather be bored and hungry than impose on my friends for things. and it’s not like i don’t appreciate these things. i REALLY do. it makes me feel loved. and that’s the greatest feeling in the world…

back to the whole getting a job thing. i have put in applications, both online and in person, at at least 20 places in the Batavia area. i have had 2 interviews at one place and one at another. neither of them have called me back regarding employment even tho the interviews seems to have gone great. i even have taken my lip rings out when i APPLY and turn in applications. and i definitely do it for the interviews. i don’t understand why no one wants to hire me. i have a lot of experience in a lot of different variety of jobs. maybe too many for some? i have a great work attitude and get along with most anybody.

maybe i am going about this wrong. maybe i should not be an individual anymore, change who i am and be cookie cutter, maybe that will get me a job.

maybe i get too comfy in people helping me and not being blunt enough with me. maybe i could get some advice, i always give it but never get it.

maybe i’ll just move away and go to FL where my friend wants me and already has a job lined up. but i really don’t want to leave just yet. i have all these relationships that have just started.

maybe i don’t really understand what God wants for me. maybe He wants me to stay, maybe He wants me to give all these things up i have here.

maybe i am just plain wrong. maybe i don’t have any clue of what i am doing, or what i am saying, or even what real life is all about.

i know 3 things: God loves me, i have the greatest friends known to man, and people will never understand me.

who wants to give me a job, who wants to give me good advice, who wants me to disappear?

When Things Go Good…Part 1

i got a job. and boy is it a boring one. but i get paid and that’s a good thing. i also work nights, which is nice when its freaking hot out. i’m the only Christian there, the only one that doesn’t smoke. i work about 6.5 hours out of the 8 i’m there. i get to listen to my iPod while working. i work with 3 other guys, 4 counting the supervisor. it’s pretty chill.

i have a quasi type dinner date on Wednesday. i don’t know if it’s a real date or not because i haven’t been on one in over 3 and a half years. but it’s food, conversation and enjoyable company. close enough to a date. it involves a girl, and her parents (who happen to be very cool). i am actually quite nervous. this happens to me when i think there’s potential for something good, because a lot of times it tends not to work out well. ESPECIALLY with girls.

i am moving out of my current residence in about 3 weeks. at first i didn’t have a place to stay, but now i do. God is pretty awesome as of late. He’s answered my prayers in the ways i didn’t expect Him to. but that’s OK. a good answer is always a welcome answer.

i’m still not sure about whether or not i’m going to Bridge Builders or not. it would be nice but the time for planning is getting super tight and everything would be last minute. If God wants me to go then He will provide a way.

ok so here’s a song i listened to a lot in the last few days that kinda goes along with this blog.

“Up And Up” by Relient K

Yesterday
Is not quite what it could’ve been
As were most of all the days before
But I swear today
With every breath I’m breathing in
I’ll be trying to make it so much more

Cause it seems I get so hung up on
The history and what’s gone wrong
And the hope of a new day
Is sometimes hard to see (what you see)
And though I’m finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
And the light there at the end is
Where I’ll be

Cause I’m on the up and up
I’m on the up and up
And I haven’t given up
Given up on what
I know I’m capable of
And I’m on the up and up
I’m on the up and up
Yeah there’s nothing left to prove
Cause I’m just trying to be
A better version of me
For You
A better version of me
For You

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails
To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I’m moving past the past
Where I have failed

But I’m finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I’ll be
Oh

You never cease
To supply me with
What I need
For a good life
So when I’m down
I’ll hold my head up high
Cause You’re the reason why

God Bless.