I’m A Slacker I Know…

So it’s been over 2 months since i last posted. Most of that blame lies on the lack of internet at my aunt’s house. The other is my pure laziness in actually writing anything.

A few good things have happened and a few bad things have happened.

But as of this moment i do not want to be here.

I know it’s hard to say that and then try and explain why, but i just don’t feel right around here. small things seem to be good and then big things happen that suck really bad.

Lately, I’ve learned that i can’t really trust people. maybe a few. but it seems that people like to cause hurt and drama, just because it makes them feel better about themselves…or so it seems. there is a loss of friendship and trust when people feel the need to gossip. especially when it hurts people feelings that were never intended to be hurt. but people gotta keep on talking don’t they. there’s a verse in the Bible that says not to let any unwholesome words come out of your mouth unless it’s edifying(which means to make better or positive) others. gossip definitely does NOT do that.

I don’t believe some people actually will ever mean what they say. in maybe a feel good moment or something that diffuses a situation they will say the “right thing” but then continue to be the complete opposite way. you maybe try to give them advice and they don’t want to hear it because non one should tell other people how to live right? even if it’s good for them!? i know no one is perfect, but can people not take advice without criticizing the giver? and do some of those people even want to change unless it’s convenient for them?

My group of friends is a church group. or so it seems. We don’t act like it. We act more like a social club that meets in a church. i’m just as guilty as the rest of them. We don’t act like followers of Jesus but we want all the benefits that come with it. We wonder why our families and friends don’t like church or aren’t serious about their faith. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE!!!

I put my heart into something that never was gonna be what i expected. it was a dangerous jump but sometimes you think people are better than the rest of the world. and now i am hurting a lot from it. something that will take me a long time to get over and a lot of forgetting that isn’t easy to do.

I want love. God’s love. love that doesn’t mind growing and changing. a love that knows it’s in for a difficult journey but is excited just the same.

Things will never be the same. I just want some positive thinking. i want people to WANT to be better, to grow, to improve. why just be like you’ve always been? i’m not down for laziness anymore. not in writing blogs, not in growing up, not in being a good friend, especially not in following Jesus and God’s call.

Things will never change if i never change.

So keep me in prayer. This will be a difficult journey and it might lead me other places, it might not.

Let’s be real. Let’s be different than the world. Let’s change it. Let’s be Jesus.

Things I Thought About This Week

~My pastor dropkicks dogs. And he is an awesome and funny dude.

~My cousin Jay is the coolest kid ever and I’m glad I got to spend time with him on his break.

~Grandma’s are pretty cool, and i wish i had mine around.

~You don’t know how bad you hurt me. I want to cry. I really do…

~God is my homeslice. And I am SOOOOOO glad.

~Respect means a lot to me. More than most anything.

~Justin Smith is the man. I love him dearly.

~I want friends who want to be different, and better, and not typical. Unlike the rest of the world.

~No one knows the real me. You really don’t. No one seems to want to either.

How Do You Know?

if something is right. when nothing has ever gone right before.

and all your dreams seem to go perfect. but they’re just dreams.

what success means, if it’s only for yourself.

what to do when everything you need to go right, goes wrong.

what to do when you are so different than everyone,  but you still slide your round self into the square hole.

how do you know?

The Black Sheep It Seems

So Christmas isn’t really my favorite holiday. it is a good holiday to sleep and relax. and eat food. just like a lot of the other family holidays/gettogethers.

but this year was very frustrating. sometimes i’d rather receive no gifts than the ones i got. i did enjoy the socks and electric toothbrush i got. and all the gifts i got from friends. the books were all AMAZING! but i really don’t think my family knows me or tries to get to know me that well. i got a flashlight. i got pretty much the same flashlight that i got last year. which is still in the package because i have no need for a flashlight. i also got a USED cd case. not something i asked for, nor did i need. i am wondering what my family is actually thinking when they are getting gifts for me. and it’s not like i’m a little kid where anything makes me happy. i am 28. an adult, who likes to do adult things. i am thankful for the gift card to Hot Topic. but that also seems like they took no time to find out what i really wanted. it’s so frustrating feeling like they don’t really care all that much about me because i have piercings and tattoos. and i don’t have a lot in common with the rest of the family as far as they are concerned. they don’t take the time to find out either.

my friends got me gifts that are 100x as good. and that’s kind of sad. again, i’d rather not receive any gifts than the ones i got. i just wish i didn’t get treated like the black sheep.

What’s The Point

why write blogs when no one reads them?

let alone comments on them…

Two People

YOU – make me very happy, thank God for laughing. 🙂 [you already know it’s you so i don’t have to say]

you – piss me off to no end, and you honestly think it’s helping.[hey this is my brother for all who were wondering! 🙂 ]

Maybe I Just Go About It Wrong

So i have been looking for a job for the last 2 months. i have been occasionally working for friends during the mean time to have cash for food and random entertainment during this time of searching. i also have friends that buy me food, lend me money for a movie they want to see with me and other small gifts. i never ask for these things. at least i try not to. i would rather be bored and hungry than impose on my friends for things. and it’s not like i don’t appreciate these things. i REALLY do. it makes me feel loved. and that’s the greatest feeling in the world…

back to the whole getting a job thing. i have put in applications, both online and in person, at at least 20 places in the Batavia area. i have had 2 interviews at one place and one at another. neither of them have called me back regarding employment even tho the interviews seems to have gone great. i even have taken my lip rings out when i APPLY and turn in applications. and i definitely do it for the interviews. i don’t understand why no one wants to hire me. i have a lot of experience in a lot of different variety of jobs. maybe too many for some? i have a great work attitude and get along with most anybody.

maybe i am going about this wrong. maybe i should not be an individual anymore, change who i am and be cookie cutter, maybe that will get me a job.

maybe i get too comfy in people helping me and not being blunt enough with me. maybe i could get some advice, i always give it but never get it.

maybe i’ll just move away and go to FL where my friend wants me and already has a job lined up. but i really don’t want to leave just yet. i have all these relationships that have just started.

maybe i don’t really understand what God wants for me. maybe He wants me to stay, maybe He wants me to give all these things up i have here.

maybe i am just plain wrong. maybe i don’t have any clue of what i am doing, or what i am saying, or even what real life is all about.

i know 3 things: God loves me, i have the greatest friends known to man, and people will never understand me.

who wants to give me a job, who wants to give me good advice, who wants me to disappear?

Girlfriends And Boyfriends And Me

everyone seems to be getting them.

EVERYONE. but my life is too confusing and turbulent to have one.

but it still sucks. girls i used to like getting new ones. my guy friends starting new ones.

me, still single. still moving down south and having the potential of being single for another 3 years.

i seem to be venting a lot. it happens when very little good goes on and everyone around you have very littel bad happen to them. but i am happy for my friends.

also many of my friends, especially the newer ones, have been going through some tough times. it kills me to see them in pain. to see tears in their eyes, to feel unloved in family life, to be disrespected.

i wish i had super powers(besides my amazing hugs) to help them out. all i can do is pray and be there to give advice.

which by the way, i like to do. so if you need any, i’m here(seems to be not much else to do).

p.s. just so you know, i HATE when girls flirt online with me and then in real life, don’t really acknowledge me. do both, or neither.

p.p.s. i REALLY like HUGS.

I Fail, I Fail, I Fail

I feel like a complete failure at pretty much everything I do.

I Thought I Had A Position…VENTING

i play bass guitar. i enjoy it.

i also play on the worship team at my church. or so i thought.

you know when you get really excited about doing something but then you never end up getting to do it? well that’s how i feel right now.

i went on a 2 week missions trip so i said i was unavailable. and i have been back for almost 3 weeks now and haven’t played at all. i don’t understand this. i’ve only actually played 2 times in the last….3 months. i don’t even feel part of the team.

playing worship music is a passion of mine. i LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE doing it. so why if you have a talented musician who loves playing and is available most of the time, would you not have them play?

i’m really bummed out. i just wanna stop going. because i just get pissed off all the time.

i would really hate that it’s because someone wants a “supergroup” worship team. i don’t think thats right.

i would hope that it’s not because i’m not good friends with the leader. that i’m not in the “in crowd”.

i would hope that it’s a giant mistake. a mental error. something that can be fixed and maybe an apology given.

i just don’t mean to sound selfish. i just want things to be fair. especially in this setting.